I recently learned that I’m a bit of a perfectionist.
Up until this year, I always believed perfectionism was a positive trait. I thought it was the piece of my identity that caused me to have a great work ethic throughout my education, and now, in my career.
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But perfectionism isn't about trying to be a great employee or student. Perfectionism is the result of trying to be completely flawless and error-free in every aspect of life, which simply isn't something humans can be. It's about holding yourself and others to impossibly high standards that can never be reached.
A few months ago I started reading "The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism" by Sharon Martin, and it's helped me start to understand some of the harmful ways my perfectionist tendencies negatively affect my life.
One way that perfectionism holds me back is that I tend to shy away from trying new things. Maybe others can relate; when I consider trying something new, all I can think about is the mistakes I could make or the judgment I might be subjecting myself to.
My fear of trying new things manifested about a month ago when I decided to try curling for the first time after being asked to fill an open spot on a team. After about eight years of living in Bemidji, often known as the curling capital of the U.S., I realized I should probably embrace the culture and try it at least once.
Here’s the problem I was faced with. It was my first time setting foot on a curling rink and I was about to compete in a bonspiel against people who had probably been curling since they were born.
For some, this would seem like a fun adventure and a great opportunity to learn a new sport. But in my opinion, there isn’t a fate much worse than a bunch of people watching me struggle to do something for the first time. Although curling looked fun and I wanted to give it a try, all I could think about was "What if I fail?"
Yet I took the leap, I faked a little bit of confidence and I tried to be a valuable team member. At that moment, I pushed away the idea that I had to be perfect at everything I did.
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If life were a movie, the story would go that once I tried curling for the first time, I realized I was a natural stone-thrower, carried our team to victory and was later asked to join Team USA in the curling Olympics.
What actually happened, however, is what happens to most people who try something new; I did my best, looked a little silly, and was not super great at it. I usually swept my teammates' stones too early or too late, my own stones rarely saw the house and I felt like I was breaking my kneecaps every time I threw one.
Although I didn’t discover that I was a curling prodigy, a different miracle on ice happened that day. I realized that when I pushed my fears aside — my fears of being judged, laughed at or belittled for my incredibly mediocre curling — I had a lot of fun. The other teams we competed against were kind and helpful, and some even had teammates who were curling for the first time, just like I was.
Here's another excerpt from the book that reminded me of my experience that day.
"Perfectionists try to avoid failure, criticism and embarrassment by sticking to things they’re already good at," it reads. "We avoid risk and the unknown in favor of consistency, what’s already known and what feels safe."
This rings true for me, but I don’t want to live my life that way. Once I realize that others often aren’t holding me to the impossibly high standards I set for myself, especially when it comes to inconsequential things like a game of curling, I can begin to step into the unknown and try new things that would usually terrify me.
There are still plenty of things that I’m too afraid to try, but I’m starting to realize that sometimes gaining new experiences is more important than trying to be flawless at everything I do.
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So while I probably won’t be going to the Olympics anytime soon, I’m proud of myself for taking a small step in the right direction by trying something different and putting myself in an uncomfortable situation in the pursuit of new experiences, and I hope other perfectionists are learning to do the same.