歪歪漫画

All of us need a break.

This whole election business has caused everybody to be on edge. Spending billions of dollars on congressional and presidential elections causes us to question our sanity.

We all need to hang out at our neighborhood deer camp for a few days to gain a more accurate perspective on life, get back to basics and do things that matter, like eating, walking in the woods and telling deer camp jokes.

Deer camp jokes are told over campfires, around the dinner table filled with enough food to feed a small community, and while lying in your bunks in the darkness of the cabin. Before long, someone will say, "Did you hear about...?"

A Czech and a Russian are studying bears.

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist went to Yellowstone to study the bears. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and that it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally, the ranger relented. The Russians and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report daily.

For several days, they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.

They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided to kill the animal to learn if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded, "Of course, the Czech is in the male.鈥�

A light in the refrigerator

Dr. Smith told 70-year-old George, 鈥淕eorge, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and have a good relationship with God?鈥�

George replied, 鈥淕od and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom 'poof' the light goes on, and when I'm done 'poof' the light goes off.鈥�

鈥淲ow!鈥� commented Dr. Smith, 鈥淭hat's incredible!鈥�

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. 鈥淓thel,鈥� he said, 鈥淕eorge is doing fine. Physically, he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and 'poof' the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through 'poof' the light goes off?鈥�

Ethel exclaimed, 鈥淥h, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!鈥�

"You stink!"

It was an intense football game. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. The home quarterback blew his top when the official called a close one in the visitors' favor.

鈥淗ow many times can you do this to us in a single game?鈥� he screamed. 鈥淵ou were wrong on the out-of-bounds, on that last first down, and missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.鈥�

The official just stared. The quarterback seethed but suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. 鈥淲hat it comes down to,鈥� he bellowed, 鈥渋s that YOU STINK!鈥�

The official stared for a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. 鈥淎nd how do I smell from here?鈥� he called.

"Parachute, anyone?"

While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the passengers panicked when one of the engines just blew up. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast, yet another engine exploded on the other side.

Standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the aircraft's door. He grabbed several packages from under the seats and handed them to the flight attendants.

鈥淪ay,鈥� spoke up an alert passenger, 鈥渁ren't those parachutes?鈥�

The pilot said they were. The passenger said, 鈥淏ut I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?鈥�

鈥淭here isn't,鈥� replied the pilot as the third engine exploded. 鈥淲e're going to get help.鈥�

Take the advice of 400,000 deer campers. If you need a mental up-lift in these post-election days, try a deer camp joke on your friends and notice how things improve.

Riddle: What do you call a deer with no eyes? (Answer: No idear.)

The class I teach at Red Lake to encourage students to graduate is called HOPE.

John R. Eggers of Bemidji is a former university professor and area principal. He also is a writer and public speaker.