歪歪漫画

Dear Carol: After suffering a stroke, my dad, 83, was left with one weak side. So far, he is independent and wants to do things for himself including minor maintenance and planting flowers around his condominium. When we tell him he should leave these jobs to others, he says that he enjoys 鈥減uttering鈥� and he needs a reason to get out of bed. I worry about him, but he鈥檚 shown he鈥檚 capable of making good decisions so he wouldn鈥檛 take on projects that he should not attempt. My sister, on the other hand, says that we should insist he give up all the maintenance and gardening because he could fall and get hurt. Who is right? 鈥� GK.

Dear GK: You鈥檙e both right in your own way, which is often the case in caregiving. Longtime readers will notice that this is a frequently asked question and that鈥檚 because there鈥檚 no concrete answer.

Your dad sounds as if he鈥檚 doing well for now so unless he鈥檚 climbing ladders or attempting obviously ill-advised projects, you and your sister should continue to restrain your need to protect him. He has a right to his dignity and part of dignity is making our own decisions to the degree we are capable.

An example from my past: When my neighbor, Joe, for whom I was the primary caregiver, would want to 鈥渨alk downtown鈥� on nice days, even with ice and snow on the ground. I鈥檇 offer to drive him, but he鈥檇 refuse, saying that he enjoyed getting out. I came to understand that to Joe, his independence was a priority, so I鈥檇 hold my breath and let it go. A few hours later, I鈥檇 see a cab pull up outside his home dropping him off. He was content.

These decisions can get trickier with dementia, but even then, other than forcing an older adult to deteriorate while they sit in a chair wrapped in bubble wrap, there will be some risk in simply living.

I mentioned dignity above and I鈥檒l emphasize here that even with dementia, people need to be allowed as much autonomy as they can possibly have without undue risk. My family had to wrestle with this concept on many occasions after Dad developed dementia following surgery. Balancing physical safety and emotional/mental health was an ever-changing challenge so it required flexibility depending on the day.

Your dad sounds quite capable right now, GK, and he presents a good case. Like Joe, his independence and basic dignity are vital to him and he鈥檚 still capable of making rational decisions. Could he fall while gardening? Of course, but he could fall while doing his laundry. Give him a big hug and tell him how happy you are that he can continue to do things that provide satisfaction.

Do continue to offer help without pushing too hard or referring to his age or his stroke. If help is offered without implying that he鈥檚 no longer capable, he鈥檚 more apt to accept your offer when he has a more critical need.

Carol Bradley Bursack is a veteran caregiver and an established columnist. She is also a blogger, and the author of 鈥淢inding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.鈥� Bradley Bursack hosts a website supporting caregivers and elders at www.mindingourelders.com. She can be reached through the contact form on her website.