歪歪漫画

Dear Carol: Last week marked the anniversary of the day that my husband and I married. Not only didn鈥檛 he remember our anniversary, but he doesn鈥檛 always understand that I鈥檓 his wife. It鈥檚 not his fault, of course, it鈥檚 his dementia, but that day nearly undid me. I tried to celebrate for the two of us by making a nice dinner, but he has no interest in food now. I even sent us flowers and bought two cards, one for him and one from him, but after I got him to bed, I sat up crying. Although friends tried to help, this can鈥檛 be fixed.

I鈥檓 recovering, of course, that鈥檚 what caregivers do, yet a piece of me died that day. Obviously, you can鈥檛 fix my pain and I鈥檓 not asking you to. I think I鈥檓 just writing to make people aware that this is one more painful step in the dementia journey. 鈥� PQ.

Dear PQ: Thank you for taking the time to write about this heartbreaking reality for dementia caregivers. Unfortunately, you鈥檙e right that I can鈥檛 fix your pain or even make you feel better, but I can sympathize and raise awareness.

This happened with my parents, though thankfully, Dad did understand who Mom was. However, I found occasions that celebrated love like their anniversary and Valentine鈥檚 Day incredibly painful even though I wasn鈥檛 the spouse.

Like you, we had flowers and cards I鈥檇 buy them and bring them to the nursing home since both of my parents lived there. Around noon, I鈥檇 walk Mom to Dad鈥檚 room where they were to exchange gifts and cards.

The scenario went like this: I鈥檇 make sure Mom had Dad鈥檚 card and/or gift and she鈥檇 give it to him. Depending on his condition on that particular day, Dad would take it, or I鈥檇 take it for him. Then, I鈥檇 guide his hand to give Mom her gift/card. She鈥檇 open it. Next, I鈥檇 open her card for Dad to see and read it to him, coaching him as I went. On and on the pantomime went until we鈥檇 finished each traditional step and visited for a while. Then, I鈥檇 resettle Dad and take Mom back to her room.

Yes, I'd go home and cry because it was all so sad. Yet what was the other option? Only to ignore the day 鈥� and that was unthinkable.

Your pain and my mom鈥檚 pain were far worse than mine as a daughter and I recognize that, yet I found each anniversary amplified all that was lost. I don鈥檛 think you鈥檒l ever regret your attempts to celebrate your anniversary because that day still deserved celebrating. You know, too, that your husband loves you deep within, even if he can鈥檛 show it.

Cry when you need to, PQ, and consider joining a well-spouse support group or at least seeing a counselor who can help you cope with this pain. You can do this virtually if that鈥檚 the only way it's possible. Do what you can to take care of yourself.

Carol Bradley Bursack is a veteran caregiver and an established columnist. She is also a blogger, and the author of 鈥淢inding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.鈥� Bradley Bursack hosts a website supporting caregivers and elders at www.mindingourelders.com. She can be reached through the contact form on her website.